overwhelmed

There's lots of things in my mind right now. I'm thinking about architecture and the discipline I've been involved in for 6 years. I'm thinking about my relationship with N, and thinking about why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. I'm thinking about God and what He wants me to be. I'm thinking about my family, and what I can do for them. I'm thinking of my future, where a huge foggy cloud hangs in front of me.

:(

I feel like I'm going to burst with all this thinking.

Just had a lunch meet-up with my former year2 tutor, RT, along with M and B of MIBCE fame. Anyhooo, I was unsure what we were going to chat about, having not seen him since graduating from yr2 and him going back to NZ. I honestly hated the life in school. I was unsure what architecture was, and the proper way to go about it. Design was all subjective, there wasn't any hard and fast rule, and some tutors left the students with more questions than answers with no shred of motivation. But thinking about it, I now feel that perhaps this is what God wants to have me learn. I've always rested on having sure knowledge, right answers, and was pretty successful in the rote-learning method. Answers came from books, teachers, notes and countless exam papers.

Architecture and design on the other hand, hold no hard and fast rule. Comments come from every direction, some are constructive, some to purposely question your conviction with the design, some to demoralise you, and others to say "yes". As an adult (no more spoon-feeding huh!!), you were held to be able to make your own judgements and see your ideas through. But being so naive and blur, sometimes we're led onto the wrong track, and having been brought up in "yes/no" methodology for more than a decade, it's a hard smack in the face. Of course my grades weren't as fantastic as I hoped it would have, but without this strenuous course to break me down, I don't think I would be able to reflect as much if I were somewhere else. Yes I've realised this after graduating, but it's not too late for some motivational revelation, no?

Architecture school does not just teach you about architectural design. Hmm what do I actually remember from school? Not much theoretical knowledge, my mental calculations have drastically deteriorated, but it has shaped me to what I am today. The stress faced in school is legendary and phenomenal. Friends from other faculties hear stories about our life and are able to emphatise with us on a superficial level, before they go back to their books books and more books, and maybe some projects here and there. Your endurance boundaries are pushed, emotions stretched to inhuman limits, and you start to wonder "If yr 2 can be this stressful, what more about yr 4?!" My friend, it is possible to endure 4 years in aki school, and more.

What made me realise this possibility is the presence of great friends. True friends that provide moral support despite the competitive nature of the course, friends that see you cry, see you smile and see your grossly distorted face after you nap flat on the table. I'm terribly thankful of them, and thankful that God has set our paths to meet and merge. I thank God that yes, although I can honestly say that architecture is not my true passion, but architecture is and was the best opportunity for me to be shaped according to His plans, and meet the people I now know.

Perhaps it wasn't such a bad thing to encounter really crappy tutors, for they made the ones who mattered really shine through; and for the better tutors I had, the best I could ever have. These tutors - possibly as few as the number of eyes I have on my face, were the ones where I feel I've learnt something tangible and practical to my development as an architecture student. It made architecture alive, something to understand, something to love. I guess I do love architecture, I love spatial experiences, and how it has trained me to think - from details (not terribly good at) to macro-level intangible things - economics, social behaviour, politics, blahhhh - why things are done the way they are, and how there's more than meets the eye. So yah. I've been through lots of ups and downs, having signed myself up for architecture school in the past, without a hint of knowledge what was to come, and survived the most tremendous stress I can ever think of.

Of course architecture school would not have been possible without my dear N. He was the one who suggested I switch my choice from geography to architecture - well I'm not really blaming him, am I? :P He's seen my worst, and my sweetest, my ugliest - pimples, eyebags galore, and my most spiritually emptiest. (Forgive my confounded grammar.) We've been through A LOT. From our juvenile relationship, it has blossomed into something deeper and more meaningful. He's pointed out my weaknesses, provided encouragement whenever I felt immensely depressed, and laughed with me when I'm on top of the world. I've endured (yes endured!) his trials at home, provided any help I could even though it was emotionally distressing for me. For what reason, I don't quite know. That's the meaning of love, perhaps? N's stint in law school has made him profoundly philosophical and rhetorical - which can be really annoying to some, but which I find has expanded his and our scope of perspectives on life. There's no hard and fast rule to lots of things, and our conversations have become more thought-provoking and less superficial. Nothing is as fixed as it seems. Hmm sounds quite like architecture huh. This only makes me convinced that it's been planned.

It makes me feel really annoyed when I encounter really narrow-minded people. Society has been driven for nothing but success. Success has no other meaning but material wealth and social status. People are getting emptied - spiritually and socially. Friends and relationships are lost because everyone is so caught up with themselves. It's all about me me me!!!

"I'm angry with you, because you hurt me! I'm going to break us apart because I shall harbour the bitterness in my heart and not learn to forgive."

"I shall love, because I know I'll receive something in return. So if I get nothing, sorry~ love's gone."

It's basically a one-sided love affair. I feel sad that people close to me have become this way. Family especially. :( I don't deny I'm absolutely free from this selfish mentality, but after knowing God and believing in Him, I feel compelled to live life the way He planned, where the "normal" which society has accepted, is abnormal in His terms! It's difficult, and I've particularly struggled with it over the past few days because the hurt has lingered around for too long.

I want success to be with nothing else but God. I want to grow with Him and make His prophesy true. I want to be the messenger of faith, peace and healing that He's planned for me. But I know the only obstacle for me right now is my transformation. To overcome my own bitterness and resolve the hurt that's been residing and growing in me for the past decade. I want to learn to forgive, which I learnt, is not about forgetting - but to learn to "let go of the person's neck". I want to challenge my shy personality and let my compassion overflow. It's a struggle I face, partly because I'm behaving the way society acknowledges, and my own fear of failure. :( I also want to know the ministry I've been planned for and be able to make a positive change with the people around me.

Woah, I've typed nearly 1300 words. 0_0
But it feels good to let it all out. :)

:D