'happy' new year 2009

It's the beginning of yet another year, and this time I feel more like an adult than ever before. My past was seemingly rosy and happy - but in this new year, I know that it's quite a stage show. I've become more aware of new revelations, past histories and that my impressions of people close to me have changed.

I can't understand why some people can be so unforgiving despite knowing and believing that there's a God above. I'm sure they have their reasons, yet sticking vehemently to the negativity and myopic perspective leaves me wondering whether they love wallowing in self-pity, hatred and overall misery. Life on earth is so short - look how fast a year has gone by, is it truly worth it to be so angry and bearing grudges 24/7 for so many years?

I'm glad I've gotten out of the rut that I learnt from you - to be so judgmental and bearing grudges for all the wrong reasons. I know you're feeling hurt, confusion and anger, but isn't it time to learn how to breathe and loosen the yoke on your shoulders? It seems as if pessimism is your key mantra in life. Practically everything that comes your way is dealt negatively and behaving harshly to another human being even though he / she may have only INDIRECTLY offended you. Kinship ties are readily abandoned and severed, and your displeasure is acutely displayed. Why would anyone who has welcomed you with wide spread open arms be so hostilely rejected by you even though their only sin against you is to be related to the one you so detest? Would you please detest me too? Then perhaps I can make some sense of it all. Worst of all, your most deep found hatred is focused on the one who is the most willing to make amends, hold truce and be on the path to getting out of depression, self-doubt and suicidal thoughts - of which you had a big part to play in. Much help has been rendered to you, only for you to throw it all away. It annoys me to no end that you like to win arguments, fair enough if you have good reasons, but your logic is truly 'impeccable'.

I don't know what to do, but being so critical of others and to yourself will only destroy everything and you're already in the process of killing yourself by your own means. I'm only glad that you've decided to hold your peace at last - yet while it's all calm and still on the surface, it's tumultuous and crazy below. I can only pray for God's help. It's only through Him that all things are possible.